Something Better...

My biggest fear in life was to die of cancer. When at age 29 I found a lump in my right breast, I hoped it was nothing. Everyone kept trying to encourage me that it was nothing. Young women aren’t supposed to get breast cancer, are they? But the lump got bigger, and all the tests and biopsies showed advanced-stage cancer. So shortly after my thirtieth birthday I was in the hospital for major surgery. I spent the next year going through chemotherapy, radiation, and even more surgery.

Cancer was no stranger to me. My mother died of cancer when I was 19. During her illness and after her death, I spent a lot of my time and energy being angry with God. I thought that if God really cared about me and loved me as much as I had been taught from a young age, then he wouldn’t take my mom away from me. He knew how much I was going to need her over the years, and at times I even felt like God was mocking me, as if to say “You can’t have it.”

Looking back, I now understand that losing my mother was not the worst thing that could happen to me. Honestly, being without her forced me to grow up, to think for myself, to discover what I really believe about things. I discovered that my childhood had prepared me for her death, and her death prepared me for what I would go through later in my life. I concluded that the God I had known since I was 10 is indeed a good God. Contrary to what my feelings sometimes tell me, he has filled my life with good things: a loving husband, a beautiful son, a career I love, and friends who stand with me even in the tough times.

As I was going through cancer treatments, I discovered a verse in one of the Psalms that whispered, “Be at rest, Amy, for God has been good to you.” Trusting that he had something even better planned for my life, I felt at ease even when I wasn’t sure I’d ever be well again. I came to realize that when my mother was sick I was asking the wrong question. Then I kept questioning, “Why is this happening to me?” Now I have learned to look past the why and ask, “What better thing waits for me?”

So far life hasn’t turned out like I imagined it would. According to my plans, I would have had more children. Because of my illness, I have an only child, and I treasure him more than a dozen children. If I’d had things my way, I would have had my own mother just a phone call away to share all of life’s “Kodak moments.” Instead, I have several “moms” who care for me and share special times with my family. In spite of all the hard times (or maybe because of them) life is turning out better than I could ever have planned it myself.

I’m so thankful that I am again in good health and can enjoy living life with Sean and watching Ben grow up. At the same time, I know that can change at any moment. If it does, I won’t be afraid. I’m certain, without any doubt, that something even better is in store for me.

(Note: Several weeks ago I had to write my own story as part of an assignment for the small group I'm part of. This piece is the result of that exercise. After receiving feedback from my group, I thought I'd post it here for any further comments or suggestions.)